The Cranky Middle Manager Show #312 The Future of the MBA Ken Starkey
Santa’s Performance Review
Posted on 22. Dec, 2006 by Wayne in General
We all hate doing performance reviews- but when I got to thinking about the hardest one to write, well…….. enjoy.
Annual Performance Review
Employee: Claus, Santa
Title: General Manager, Global Distribution
Reports To: CEO, Universe
Communication Skills:
Exceeds Expectations. Employee continues to excel at interpreting vague orders and communicating changing needs to his direct reports. This has become particularly challenging since the advent of email. millions of hand-written notes have been replaced by email from portals such as northpole.com and Santaclaus.com. Peak arrivals number 400,000 up to 5 days before Delivery Date. Formerly hand-written letters would arrive from late November to allow for postal delivery problems and make for easier order fulfillment.
Employee Relations:
Meets Expectations. Employee continues to receive accolades from his direct reports, constangly referred to as “jolly” and “merry”. He is, after all, literally a saint. This is doubly impressive given the special needs and diversity issues inherent ina mixed Human/Elf workplace. Accommodations such as specially sized workbenches and jumpsuits for the new clean room were made in a timely manner to the satisfaction of all.
360 degree feedback continues to be solid, although there were complaints on the confidential employee hotline of reprisals (lumps of coal rather than bonuses) to complainers or those considered “naughty”. No credible witnesses have come forth.
Project Management Skills:
Exceeds Expectations. Rapidly changing product lines continue to offer challenges that the Employee overcomes. There were complaints that there were insufficient training opportunities for existing staff to move from the Wooden/Plastic Toys division to the growing Electronics Department over the last 2-3 years. The Union has filed several grievances which have been satisfied.
Additionally, shorter order cycles (see Communication Skills) means accurate staffing has been a challenge. Employee was able to avoid massive layoffs during the slower season but still met Key Performance Indicators (KPIs). The North Pole is a one-industry town, and large numbers of laid off elves would have been a PR problem we didn’t need at this time. Employee really stepped up.
For now, production schedules have stabilized and, barring another introduction of a new game console, should remain steady over the next 12 months.
Succession Planning:
Does Not Meet Expectations. Employee has held his current position for almost 1400 years, ever since his promotion from Bishop of Myra in the Turkish Division. While he has stepped up to the challenges of building a global operation with superb Customer Sat numbers, there are concerns.
He has not identified potential leaders capable of filling his position. Given his age and his overall health and weight (in clear violation of our wellness standards) this is a concern. There is no sign he’s delegating effectively.
HR is concerned and will hold a meeting in the next month to identify candidates- perhaps from the Elf pool and lay out a professional development path.
Summary
Overall, another excellent performance review. Unfortunately his salary was capped 600 years ago, and HR is struggling for reward and recognition opportunities for someone who not only has everything, but gives it away. Issue will be studied at the next HR department meeting.
Very funny Wayne. Curious…if you were to fire Santa, who would fill his shoes? Hanukkah Harry? Kwanzaa Karl? I know…Festivus Fred!
Happy holidays!
This is hillarious. After a looooonnngggg day of work, this really made my day. I really enjoyed this.
Curious – With no reward and recognition opportunities, how does Santa keep his motivation level high?
I think its the happiness and smiles he brings to everybody is his R and R. What an amazing job he has got.. to bring smiles on every one’s faces and jolly good family time.